If anyone sees Yoenis Cespedes at the museum of natural history, just run. You never know when you’ll be in the line of Mets fire.
The Mets have taken to releasing a list of injury updates on an almost daily basis, required to do so because, well, there’s just a lot to keep track of these days. It’s just easier than asking manager Terry Collins, who just keeps saying he doesn’t know, or asking assistant general manager John Ricco or general manager Sandy Alderson, who sometimes have trouble remembering exactly where everyone is at in their respective rehab programs, throwing programs and any other programs necessary to getting back on the playing field.
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The daily release has become something of comic fodder on Twitter, with several reporters (including this one) choosing to just post a screenshot of the email instead of listing all of the individual updates. I’ll admit, that’s the easier way to go so you’re not starting a thread that blows up timelines.
So Dave Lozo, a freelance writer and podcaster who most notably covered hockey for NHL.com and Bleacher Report, released his own exaggerated list of Mets injuries on Monday morning. And if we’re being honest here, if anyone was going to injure themselves while brushing their teeth, it would probably be a member of the New York Mets.
I mean, Wilmer Flores did foul a ball off his own nose, so nothing is really that shocking anymore.
Lozo’s mock release had a few interesting ones, like Seth Lugo falling off brontosaurus exhibit and on to Cespedes. The best one might be Jacob deGrom, one of only two players left from the Mets’ opening day roster who has not hit the disabled list this season. Apparently, the right-hander woke up completely bald on Monday and because of that, will not be ready for spring training.
Lozo nailed the verbiage and the ridiculousness of it all, but he did get one thing wrong: Zack Wheeler, who has spent most of his Mets career on the disabled list, couldn’t have run away from the team in Houston over the weekend because he never even made the trip. That one is just fake news.
Abbey Mastracco may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Twitter @abbeymastracco. Find NJ.com on Facebook.