The celebrities are back at it making “rock the vote” commercials or whatever they’re called these days. I wouldn’t know, I stopped paying attention to celebrities years ago. Apparently someone named Taylor Quick or Swiffer or something came out with the leftist talking points stapled to her Instagram account and everyone is claiming, “That’s it! The Republicans are done for sure!” Yeah, because all those pop music fans are so politically aware they have copies of the New York Times jammed between the pages of the latest People magazine they’re reading featuring some girl with an impossibly enormous rear end. Sure.
No one really believes that the kids care about voting, do they? Let’s check into what 18-year-olds are up to these days. Luckily the chumps at the HuffPost went and talked to them so I don’t have to.
Things like “touching the booty,” “wearing your cell phone around your neck with a kind of cell phone lanyard,” and “ask.fm” had us scratching our heads.
One 18-year-old even wrote: “Hating cool things is cool. Snapchat gets popular? Suddenly it’s shit. Facebook gets popular? Suddenly it’s overcrowded. Big bang theory gets popular? Suddenly it’s not so funny anymore.”
Added to “touching people’s butts” were weed, the movie Frozen, iPhones, selfies, Converse shoes, electronic dance music, tattoos and piercings, thick eyebrows, emojis, and tank tops. God, I love the youth. We have absolutely nothing to fear from these idiots, my friends. And I say that with love. You are supposed to be an idiot at 18. It’s the only time in your life you can be an idiot and everyone still tolerates you. Most kids are not like me, angry that I couldn’t vote at 15 when I began listening to Rush Limbaugh during school on earbuds. Most kids don’t have a subscription to The Spectator like I did or a collection of conservative cartoons and clippings of Ann Coulter columns in a photo album. (Yeah, I know. I was incredibly uncool, like Alex P. Keaton if he were a girl with glasses and braces.) There might be one random weirdo with screenshots of Maureen Dowd columns on her iPhone and Kamala Harris bumper stickers on her bedroom wall, but I doubt it. There is simply no one on the Democrat side with any youth appeal. Not like, say, Donald Trump, who literally has 15-year-olds lying to their Bernie-loving parents and sneaking out to go to his rallies. I’m on /r/The_Donald. I see you boys. Trump rallies are the new heavy metal concert you couldn’t tell your parents you were going to.
But Democrats are excited about that campus vote, aren’t they? They pin all their hopes on the harpies who come to the protests (because they were paid so they could buy more weed). And they think they’re going to show up at the polls. Well, I have some bad news for the Democrats. Even if you get them registered to vote, even if you offer them rides to the polls, there is a 98% chance they will be too hung over, involved in touching butts, playing games on their iPhones, or dancing at a club. And God bless them! We don’t need young skulls full of mush voting. None of these children have had any real-life experience yet. They barely have jobs, haven’t paid property taxes, and have no other concerns than getting good grades while living like a debauched Roman emperor. I remember. It was a good time. Any time before property taxes was a delightful memory.