How to do Melbourne Cup without a conscience.

The Melbourne Cup is next week, but you DGAF about horse racing, or you oppose gambling, or you detest sports that use animals. So you want to say no when you’re invited to do something on the day, right?

BUT, let me ask you; are your principles, ethics, (and finances) really worth the risk of the crippling case of FOMO you will 100% experience wearing your trackies alone in your living room as the entire nation dresses up, drinks, and stuffs its face?

Lol, of course not.

Try to think of it this way: contrary to popular belief, Melbourne Cup is not “the race that stops the nation”; it’s the lunch that stops the nation. It’s about the other people you share the day with. And food. And booze. And fashun. It’s a public holiday in Victoria, and guess what else gets the day off? Political correctness, decorum, and hydration.

No horses were harmed in the making of this merriment

Which is why Melbourne Cup is an Aussie tradition way more sacred than the Queen’s birthday. So here are some très helpful suggestions so you can Melbourne Cup without a conscience:

Forget the horses: most of us stop speaking for about three minutes out of the entire day, and watch some horses galloping around in a circle. If ours wins, we’ll post a photo of the moment with the caption “#winnerwinnerchickendinner” and that’s the extent of our involvement with animals.

But if you can’t even bare that for a few minutes, when the race starts, think about how hungry all the jockeys must be…which will lead to you realising you need a bucket of hot chips immediately…and voilà, any crisis of conscience will instantly disappear.

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You could squash some trackies into that watermelon clutch for later

Distract yourself: wear something so uncomfortable that you spend the entire day worrying about it. It could be a fascinator that pokes you and/or others in the eye. A dress so short that you can’t sit down. Stilettos that stick in the grass and keep being left behind as you walk. You won’t have any fun, but at least you won’t be concerned about anything else.

Set challenges: celebrity spotting. Crazy ties and hats. Finding a bathroom without vomit on the floor. Drink whenever a commentator calls women “fillies”. Absolutely everything can be turned into a drinking game if you use your imagination.

Drink x 2 if they’re not from The Bachelor/ette

Bet on other things: why not make some money from those bitches who would’ve incited your FOMO if you hadn’t come (a.k.a. your friends)? Who can push a police officer into a bush? (editor’s note: do not ever touch a member of law enforcement.) Tweet something that makes it into Twitter Moments? Get into the Birdcage by claiming they’re Warnie’s date?

Liz Hurley beams after winning a Warnie-related bet

This last suggestion might be ridiculed but we’ll just put it here for your consideration:

Pay it forward: find a charity event where even the bookies pass their takings on to the charity, or you can donate your winnings. You might have less money to spend on booze, but you’ll also atone for the multitude of other sins you’ll commit that day.

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